Sixteen Deep Compelling Truths (Dave Barry)

I've been contemplating various deep thoughts of my own lately, but haven't managed to think any of them "out loud" this past week or so. Who knows when my muse will strike? Meanwhile, I spotted the following on the wall of a sub sandwich shop (which is not so different, I suppose, than the words of the prophets written on subways walls), and I was happily able to find the same profound wisdom readily available on the internet. There's more than one version of this list, but what follows is the list as I spied it with my little eye on the wall of the sandwich store.

I'm not as witty or funny as Dave Barry, but I'm evidently a faster learner. I'm only 42, and I can already verify most of these things; the rest of them, I could have guessed. But still.

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
By Dave Barry (on the occasion of his fiftieth birthday)

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp [on] them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.